Amish on a Tear

AP - The sizzling hot Fighting Amish rode their season-high win streak to four games Friday night with a decisive 15-7 win over their arch-rivals the Diamondbacks.

Many baseball pundits feared the Amish would crumble under the pressure of finding themselves in first place for the first time in franchise history. However, they showed that last-yearís B-Division Championship was no fluke.

The game started out like a Devin Lacey lovemaking sessionÖ slowly. Both teams a little timid and unsure of themselves. The Amish scored. The D-Backs scored. Back and forth, back and forth it went for a good thirty seconds. But then, with the Amish clinging to a 3-1 lead in the fourth, a crescendo.

Dennis started it off and by the time it was all over, the Amish were on top 10-1 and the D-Backs were left sweaty and spent.

At the plate, young rookie Cory Smith continued to improve his batting average in going three-for-three as did Crazy. Jim Weiler and DT also hit back-to-back jacks for the first time this season. Darryl Dayman found himself batting last after showing up to the game all lit up like a Christmas tree. But in true Amish spirit, he didnít let it bother him as he went 2-3 And finally, The Messiah, Joe Lang, hit the first inside-the-park grand slam in Amish history. Praise be to Joe. Amen. Of course if I were omnipotent and controlled the universe, Iíd probably be able to bat over .300, but who am I to criticize.

The celebration, however, was again cut short as the Amish had other engagements. Since the team has been winning, its popularity has soared and demand for the players has been staggering. On Friday the gala event in question was Gord Schmidtís stag and doe. This black-tie affair was held in Formosa. The music was divine, the dancing was graceful and the food was exquisite. At least thatís what I heard. I woke up with vomit on my shoes so I donít really remember shit. Anyhow, congratulations Gordy. Itís always nice to see another girl join the CAWP. (Communal Amish Wife Pool)

The next game is Friday night in Cargill against the BlueDogs. The Amish cannot afford a let down because the Dogs will be vicious after the 22-2 drubbing laid on them a few weeks ago. But a let-down is doubtful because the team is expecting veteran second baseman Shawn Mirander to return to the lineup. Shawn has missed the entire first half of the season recovering from a botched tracheotomy performed by the Amish team doctor. The team now admits that Dr. Plakholm misdiagnosed Miranderís syphilis as a crushed windpipe, however they have been tight-lipped about rumours that Plakholm may have also been responsible for giving Mirander the STD.  Oh you crazy kids.







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