Amish Win First Against DBacks

Mildmay – Vs. Diamondbacks

                Location: Mildmay

                Time: 6:30

                Enemy: DiamondBacks

                Beers before the game: Too many to count.


Sunday, June 1st, the Amish faced their age-old rivals, the Mildmay DiamondBacks. Though both teams have gone through many changes over the years, one thing has always remained the same…their undying hatred of one another. There is quite the storied history between the two teams, and it all started when the Amish lured away the D-Backs all-star centerfielder many moons ago. It’s continued with the Amish sneaking into D-Back keg parties, Amish sleeping with D-back mothers, in fact, there’s only one thing the Amish haven’t done to the D-Backs, and that’s beat them.

And it didn’t look good again for our men in black. Three of the team members spent all day Sunday in the beer gardens in Cargill. Sure they were scouting other teams, but the also were drinking everything in sight. Now this reporter’s not going to name names, it ain’t my style. But the three people were Scott, Hose and Large. Crazy was there too, but got so frickin’ plastered he couldn’t make the game. Also, come game time, the Amish only had nine eligible players on hand (the GM was there but we all know Amanda’s a better ball player). The Amish hadn’t been short of players since they went on their insane signing spree in the past two off-seasons. Would fate once again deal the Amish a hand full of two’s, three’s and fours, while giving the D-backs a royal flush? Not this time. The D-backs had even fewer players, a total of 8 men and one woman. It seems fate had decided it was time for a game of Solo, and the Amish were in the mood to Froke.

Chad McKee didn’t seem to have his best stuff, as the Amish bats lit him up. It was later learned that he had voluntarily placed an anchor around his neck. He had gotten engaged. Congratulations!

The Amish outfield was minus regular stalwarts D. Daymon, B. Plackholm, K. Schmidt and B. Muegge, and Crazy was puking by now. Luckily, some of the young, up and coming Amish stepped in to take their place. In left field was Robbie "I may be from Chepstow, but you’re a shithead" Graf. In center, making a triumphant return was Joey "Dude the Fuck Up" Lang. And making his Amish debut in rightfield, Shawn "the Cheetah" Mirander. These three men played so well, the Amish are considering trimming their roster down from it’s current 86, to a lean 9, going with only three outfielders.

Johnny LeBlanc led the offence with his consistently sweet swing. Shayne and Lacey were adequate. But the big surprise was the play of Scotty, Hose and Large. After consuming an amount of beer that would land most people in the morgue, Scotty pitched a complete game, and Hose and Large formed an infield combo reminiscent of Manuel Lee and Nelson Liriano. Unbeatable.

However, the highlight of the night was, one out, bottom of the seventh. Amish hanging on by 3 runs. D-back on first. The ball gets crushed to the deepest part of the park…it was a mile if it was a foot. Joey Lang raced full out, jumped 6 feet in the air to make the catch. Then, before his feet even reached the ground, he unloaded a rocket throw to second to Hose, who made a lightning quick swipe tag to get the runner out. You could hear the ghost of Jamie Larsen, "Amish Win! Amish Win!"


Amish win.

D-Backs lose.

The secret is…

Be full of booze.

Oh, and Lacey shed a single tear.