Amish Lose in Finals

AP - Thursday, August 25th, 2005
Game 1
The Amish found themselves in second place as the regular season came to an end.  They had originally been looking forward to defending their B division title, but the B division had been retired, much like number 99 for Wayne Gretzky, since no team could ever put together such a deserving weekend as the Amish did last year.
  So, now the Amish had to set their sights on the A trophy, which wasn't that far fetched since they had beaten every team in the league at least once.  Their first game was against the Nipples, which in the past may have seemed like an easy draw, but not this night.  You could tell when the Nipples showed up that they were hungry and wanted this one.
The game started good for the Amish, giving up one in the first.  In the bottom of the inning, Dayman singled, Hose and Scotty walked, bringing up Jimmy Weiler.  Jimmy had been a streaky hitter all year, either smacking the ball around reminiscent of his breakout summer of '99, or floating the ball around reminiscent of Heisz' same summer.  What would Jimmy have tonight?  Well one pitch later we had our answer.  He smacked the ball deep into left field, grand slam, Amish take the lead.  Things looked good for the Amish, but their bats fell silent.  The Nipples battled back and tied it up.  In the third, Dayman singled, Scotty singled, and Jimmy smoked another one, even farther this time.  But the Nipples fought back and in the top of the 7th, took a 10-7 lead.  Would the Amish lose their first game, setting up a must win for Friday night?
Things looked bad, but then, young Billy Plakholm stepped up and told the boys if they won this game and guaranteed a game for Saturday, the whole team could go back to his place, piss on his lawn, trash his house and generally be degenerates.
Well, he didn't have to say another word.  Scotty got on, and Jimmy smacked another homer, this one farther than goose-shit.  Dennis got a single, and Hose pinch ran for him.  Cory hit into a fielders choice, and once again the fleet footed Hose had to run.  Mugsy popped up, and it appeared that the boys would go down after all.  Then Robbie hammered a double to the wall.  Runners on second and Third, Amish trailing by one and Shayne stepped up to the plate.  After fouling a couple off, he ripped one past a diving shortstop, scoring both runners and the Amish won.  A perfect ending to a perfect game of ball.

Friday, August 26th, 2005
Game 2
Coming of a well earned win, the Amish had to play last years A division champions, the River Rats.  The Amish played some amazing defence, but they forgot to bring their bats, losing this game by a fair margin.  Nobody I talked to remembers the final score since the Amish went to the beer gardens right after the game and drank like goose-shit.
The loss did mean a 9 o'clock game Saturday morning against the Blue Dogs.

Saturday, August 27th, 2005
Game 3
Yes, the Blue Dogs were the first team who would get a chance to knock the Amish out of the playoffs.  Again, this game is fuzzy as it was early in the morning and the Amish kicked some ass.  The Bluedogs didn’t even get on the scoreboard until the seventh inning.  But by then, it was too late, half of the Amish were already in the beergardens and the game was over.  An 11-3 victory.  But the boys would only have 20 minutes to prepare for their next game.  And who would their opponent be……..

Game 4
….none other than the Diamondbacks.  Yes, the same D-Backs who rolled over and played dead in last years B division final.  The same D-Backs who lost the first meeting of the year between these two teams.  And the same D-Backs who pounded the Amish around like goose shit in their final meeting.  This was going to be a meeting for the ages.  The game started slowly as defence was strong on both sides.  However, the Amish chipped away, and eventually took an 8-3 lead into the sixth. 
Some controversy occurred in the 5th, when Craze grounded out to shortstop, and broke his bat.  Half the bat flew directly at Chad McKee, the veteran pitcher for the D-Backs.  Chad picked up the piece of the bat and threw it at Crazy's legs.  These two perennial all-stars have had an ongoing feud since the 2002 mid-season classic, when they had to play as team-mates.  Crazy was catching and Chad accused him of tipping of batters about what pitch was coming.  Things could have gotten really ugly but the always level headed Mugsy ran out of the dugout and in between the two players to make the peace. 
  This little confrontation seemed to spark the D-Backs, and they rallied to tie it in the top of the 6th.  However, the Amish extinguished their hopes like goose shit on a candle, when Crazy made a nice charging catch on a looper to left-center. 
  In the bottom of the inning, Shayne scored the eventual winner on an overthrow to the plate and the Amish retired the side quickly and quietly in the seventh for the win.
  The Amish had finally gotten the monkey off their back.  After getting him off their back, they weren't sure what to do with him, so put him in an empty truck sitting in the parking lot.  Well, let me tell you, if you ain't ever seen a monkey drive, you are missing out.  This little son-of a bitch took off like goose shit out of a goose.  He did a couple of doughnuts in the soccer field, then headed out the drive way, yelling something about being late for a wedding.  Furry little bugger.

Game 5
  One more game to make the A division championship.  But it wasn't going to be an easy game.  The Crusaders had beaten the league leading Runabouts, and were looking like they were hungry for more.   But so were the Amish, and as a certain best selling author once said about them "Be not afraid to walk the darkest valleys with one of these fine men."  With only ten players left, the team could have packed it in like a drug dealer stuffing cocaine up his ass.  But no.  Mugsy, forced to play first base instead of the field, took the reins of this wild, out of control team of stallions and led with his defence.  Good thing to, because I believe he was 1 for 14 at the plate. 
Once again, the Amish took a commanding 14-6 lead into the last inning, only to see it wither away.  14-8, 14-10, 14-12!!  But, once again, the Amish put a stop to the comeback with strong defence.  The Amish had won, and had secured a place in the finals.

Game 6
  The River Rats were waiting for the Amish in the finals.  The Amish would have to beat them twice to win the coveted A division trophy.  Things didn't start out well, as the Rats scored a few in the first, and the Amish were held scoreless.  The defence was once again there, and a pitching change after the first inning silenced the Rats attack.  But the bats weren't working.  Even some players shoes weren't working properly.  And then the rain came.  The Amish battled hard, but came up on the short end of a 13-5 game.  In their defence, no team in the history of the league had ever been asked to play so many games in so little time. 
The Amish did themselves, the fans and the entire league proud.  The Amish also showed great sportsmanship, going to the beer gardens after the game to congratulate the Rats on their win.  Then, when they weren't looking, stole their trophy.  Devin grabbed the A division trophy and ran like goose shit towards his car.   The Amish partied with that trophy all night, if you know what I mean.
  An outstanding finish to a great season.  The team’s best. 





 

 

 

 

 

 



                                                                                                                           
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