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Amish Set for Historic Season

AP - Springtime has arrived, and like clockwork, the Amish are preapring to embark on what will surely be another
great season. But there's something a little bit different about this season, something a little more magical,
a little more meaningful, and yes, I'll say it, a little more pulchritudinous. This marks the 10th anniversary
of this storied franchise.
Yes, that's correct, it was ten years ago when the Amish first joined the Cargill Slowpitch league. Ten years filled
triumph, heartache and some of the best damn baseball you'll ever see. If someone had told this reporter ten years
ago that ten years from then the Amish would be celebrating their ten year anniversary, I would have said, "No
shit, Sherlock.". The roster may have changed over the years, with over 60 different players suiting up in Amish
white and black, but the team has always maintained the highest level of sportsmanship and integrity
(excpet Jimmy and Mugs. They are asses).
With the tenth anniversary comes a plethora of planned celebrations. Most are top secret, but let me just say
a certain team member is going to be shaving his head and auctioning of his hair for charity. I won't tell
you who, but it rhymes with Tad Basey.
The new season will kick off on May 12th, with the Amish looking to improve on their second place finish last year.
Some say the Amish were robbed in the finals, but that's in the past, a lot like lying about WMD's. Let it go
already. The RiverRats eventually won the title from the Amish after a close final. And they were grateful
that the Amish took care of their lost trophy for the entire offseason.
There is also a new team from Hanover joining the league this year. Apparently they are reminiscent of what
the Nipples were like in their first year, except out of control. It could be an interesting season.
There were some minor problems during the offseason that could come back to haunt the Amish. Billy, for the
third consecutive offseason, was charged with drunk and disorderly. When I reached him for a comment, he politley
asked me to shove something up somewhere.
Daymen tested positive for massive amounts of estrogen. Luckily, it's not a banned substance so he won't be
sidelined, but it's still very strange.
Normy had bluffed at sitting out to start the season unless he got more money. He quickly backed down when he
realized no one would notice.
All three Donnelly boys were being investigated for gambling incidents, but again luck was with the team when
the only witness, Mike Heisz, mysteriously disappeared at the start of January. At press time his whereabouts
were still unknown.
Also returning after breakout years are Corey, Devin and Shayne. Some say these three are the future of the franchise,
but I say the future is now.
Kevin Schmidt was nursing a broken hemrhoid during the winter but is expected to be ready for opening day.
One bright note was that Joey Lang did not threaten to hold out for the first tme in his career with the team.
"It's not worth my time anymore to make threats like that, I'm already by far the most overpaid player in the league,
I ain't greedy", Joe said.

Regardless, the season seems full of potential once again this year, and what better way to celebrate their tenth
anniversary than to finally capture the A division trophy. Well, I guess free beer would be better...and hookers...
and some X...but still, a trophy wouldn't be bad...