Amish Lick Nipples in Opener

AP - The Amish began their season on Friday, May 7th, as many predicted they would, by obliterating the Paisley Boys (Slippery Nipples). The Amish showed up in spades for this one. Actually, most of them showed up in their ball uniforms, except Lang, who showed up in a parka, complaining of the cold (I though we were all Canadian but I guess I was wrong). The game started well, with the Amish shutting down Paisley in the top of the first. And there were no errors to report.

Then the bottom of the first came, and Paisley showed they were rattled playing against such a legendary team. Dayman started the inning and walked on four pitches. James Donnelly proceeded to do the same, as did Scotty. At this point, Paisley began yelling from their dugout that the Amish were afraid to swing, and we were chickens. Had the Amish actually lost their ability to swing? That would be a tough obstacle to overcome. Then Jimmy stepped up to the plate. Bat firmly placed on shoulder. No doubt he would watch at least one pitch before…POW…before anyone knew what had happened, the ball was halfway to Gowanstown. Amish up 4 to 0 on one hit. That shut the yappy Paisley Boys up, and basically set the tone for the rest of the game.

Later in the game, Lacey pounded one to deep left field and it hit the foul pole. Unfortunately, the umpire didn’t see it hit, and called it foul. Lacey shed a single tear.

The Amish went on to mercy the Paisley Boys, and it didn’t take long for word to spread around the league that this year, the Amish meant business. Our Sunday night opponent cancelled, saying the diamond wasn’t in good shape. More like they weren’t in good shape. One team even folded when they heard they had to play the Amish (I won’t say who the team was, but they are red and have a pulchritudinous manager.)

So the Amish have officially started what some are already calling the first undefeated season in the Cargill slo-pitch league, since 1943 when a young Cargill Rookies team was led by Rick Lehman, simply known at the time as the Flash (and not for his speed).

The Amish play again, Friday, May 14th, against the Spikes. Some are already calling it the first ‘only one loss’ season since 1976, when a young Cargill Bears team was led by Ernie Donnelly, known at the time as the E-Don.

Whatever you call it, you have to admit the Amish looked mighty impressive Friday, and their fan base continues to grow. Welcome to Amish Nation. Hope you have your passport, and please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times.


Remember to start working on your ideas for the Amish float for this year’s Cargill Homecoming.

We have already received some great ideas for themes, ranging from "Cargill and the Amish, a match made in Hell" to "Bullets, we hardly knew ye’"

The deadline for theme ideas is June 7th, and the winning entry will be announced on this website shortly afterwards.

Construction of the float is set to begin the weekend of June 11th, so someone please buy a hammer. You will be reimbursed*

*note: you will not be reimbursed