Brewers Serve Taters and Whine

AP -  The Fighting Amish dropped both ends of a double header on Friday night in Cargill.  The losses drop the Amish to 6-11 with only two games left.

  The first game saw the hated Mildmay Brewers come to town.  The Amish generally like brewers, but not these Brewers.  These Brewers are as likeable as rectal exam.  And just about as pleasant to smell.  That's right you cocksuckers, you emit a foul and repulsive odor!!  Anyway, the game got off to a rocky start with Mildmay scoring seven times in the first inning.  But Amish wood is mighty and the boys put up five of their own.  The lead changed hand more times than a whore's underwear, but it was the fourth inning that did the Amish in.  Three homeruns and thirteen runs later, the team was in a deep hole.  It looked like the Brewers had come to town and beat the Amish fair and square. 

  However, during that bat-around inning, an alert Bryan Muegge, who was on the bench with explosive diarrhea, noticed that two of the Brewer's bats did not conform with league standards.  The illegal bats were brought to the attention of the Brewers manager in a polite, even courteous, borderline pussy-like manner.  The Brewers set the bats aside and agreed not to use them.  And that was the last anyone heard of it.  Oh, except for the constant whining of the Mildmay team which lasted until well after the first game was over and the second, against a completely different team had started.  During one heated exchange, Crazy, who had consumed approximately ten beers during the first game, politely asked the Brewers to return to their home town.  Team officials say a suspension may be pending.  Not for insulting Mildmay people, that's applauded, but the intoxicated player apparently turned to the wrong team and yelled "Why don't you go back to Mildmay you whiny fucks?" to the Cargill squirt girls team.  Several of the girls began to cry and one, possibly a Bester, did in fact drive to Mildmay.

  Perhaps the Amish were wrong to bring the matter to the attention of the Mildmay coach.  Maybe they were being petty.  Or maybe the fact that they scored 22 runs in the first four innings and only four in the last three after they stopped using the bats, prove that they suck more ass than Oprah's thong.

  The second game started much the same as the first.  The mighty Buckshots, a team that some Amish think of as their big brothers... who are more talented, cool and better looking, scored five in the first.  The old Amish would have slumped in the dugout in disgust, but not this team.  The first four batters scored en route to an eight run inning.  The game was not quite as close as the first, but the Amish did play tough against a powerful Buckshots team, finally falling 24-16. 

  In the game, Large, Scotty and Dennis all went deep.  Bryan Muegge, struck with blinding diarrhea, struck out twice and Gord Schmidt had two strong games to reclaim the batting lead. Cudos also goes to young Billy Plakholm who added to his rap sheet with an assault charge and DUI on the weekend. Good work slick!


  The team finishes the season this weekend with a game Friday night against the Crusaders and then Sunday in Chepstow against the X-Men.  In between, the boys will be playing in the annual DirtPig tournament in Walkerton.  The Amish always do well in the tournament and have finished in the money twice.  The boys will get to show off their morning wood as the first game gets started bright and early Saturday morning at 8:00.  No word as to whether any players will be sleeping on the diamond. 

There will only be one team this year as the No-Scotty's have been retired because of fan protests.  Apparently the shirts were causing fans to boycott the games.  That's a shame.